Country Grammar

You would think that being married to a grad student who is less than one year away from earning his Ph.D. in English Composition and Rhetoric guarantees me flawless grammar. "Welp", it doesn't (see what I mean.)

While painting inspirational word signs today (gearing up for the big Etsy store opening), I started thinking about how crappy I am at pronouncing words, using correct grammar when speaking, and how I have to refer to dictionary.com and grammar help sites at least a few times per week. I truthfully do not know my "ass from a hole in the ground" when it comes to this stuff. I'm ok with speaking in public, but sometimes I create some really messed up word combinations. I never know how to pronounce "resume" (not the document, but to "continue") and it's written in the "key points" I always have to read while teaching CPR/First Aid classes. I accidentally said "absurB" instead of "absurD" the other day. I'm constantly having to look up whether it's "She and I", "me and him", "me OR him", the usage of "we" vs. "us"... and I have never figured out what is correct when using punctuation with quotation marks and parenthesis at the end of a sentence (where does the period go... inside the quotation mark or out? or are there two? WTF!!?!?!) Sometimes, i use it inside the quotation marks. Sometimes, I use it outside. Sometimes, I don't use punctuation at all. SOMETIMES, i try to avoid those types of sentences altogether.

I struggle at Applebees because my favorite dish is "Three Cheese Chicken Penne". Is it "pen-YAY", "PEN-yay", "pen-AY", "Pennie", or "peeny"? I usually order it like this: "i'll have the uhhh three cheese chicken uhhh" hoping the waiter/waitress will finish it for me. They never do. So i try different pronounciations each time. One day, the waiter said, "it's ok - i had someone call it "Panini" before, which isn't close at ALL". It was probably me.

Is it "Illi-noy" or "illi-noise"? "New Orluns" or "Orleeeans"? "Loo-vul", "Looey-ville", or "Luh-vul"? I suppose it depends on what neck of the woods you are from. Lucky for me, I'm originally from central West Virginia; everytime I travel outside of the area, people automatically peg me as an uneducated hillbilly because of my accent!

I also have a horrible problem with slurring words together when speaking - I create new ones all the time! I should have my own dictionary! Instead of "i am going to make a copy of this document", It sounds like "imgunnamakeaopyathisthingy". I've also began speaking Snoop-Dogg 2005 lingo: "i need a trizz-ash bag!" "Holy Shizzle I have a LOT of voicemails." "My e-mail isn't working for Shizzzz". I say these things at work. And the adminstrative assistant that has been there for 30+ years never understands what i'm saying. (Wonder why? Could it be... that i am a total complete dip-wad?)

So, the real question is, is it "Lot-tay", "Lat-tay", or "lot-ehhh"? "Frappie", "frap-AY", or "Frap-ehhh"? I know for sure how to pronounce "Iced Mocha" (it's "Motch-uh", right?)